Well ZOOP certainly must embrace Oscar nomination week! I first heard of Glen Close’s desperation project about a year ago and it sounded quite ridiculous. SPOILER ALERT: it is. So this bitch was nominated for 5 Oscars between 1982 and 1988, pretty impressive. She deserved them too, remember what she did to Michael Douglas’s rabit!

“I waaaant awaaaardddssss”

But for once Oscar decided to have a bit of a sense of humor and not let the bitch win even won. Glen’s career became a tale of sadness and woe! She starred in Damages! The whole time she was really plotting her return like a half-retarded transgendered phoenix with Albert Nobbs. It’s clear she was going for the “OMG woman playing a man” effect that Mr. Oscar likes so much. Now, you might be saying this whole thing doesn’t seem thaaaat desperate ZOOP. Well, as per usual, you’re wrong. She wrote the screenplay. Yup, I know, but it gets better. She wrote an original song for the film and got anal sex addicted, Pope picture ripping Sinead O’Connor to sing that shit (For more important information). WOW.

Why the shit-eating grin? This fuckery worked and Albert Nobbs received nominations for Best Actress (Glen Close), Best Supporting Actress (Janet McTeer), and Best Make-up. WARNING: I do not recommend watching this film, and I certainly do not recommend watching it sober. I have no control group experience for the second claim but I’m willingly to bet money on it anyhow. This isn’t a review per se, but rather scattered thoughts about one of the most bizzare viewing experiences of my life. My notes are as follows:

-SPOILER ALERT: Janet McTeer comes to paint some rooms at the hotel Glen is working at, and it turns out SHE’S A MAN TOO. I am really confused as to whether we’re supposed to know this. Janet McTeer looks like she has a beer belly on her chest, “I wonder why?” I ponder to myself.

-Hilarity ensues when the fierce old bitch that owns the hotel forces Janet and Glen to share a room. Its no surprise that Janet discovered Glen’s secret. What is surprising is that she discovered it because a flea attacked Glen causing her to have a seizure! This is real.

-Eventually, in hopes of making Glen feel comfortable, Janet decides to flash her boobs! DUH, how else do you make new friends?

-There appears to be a male gay couple in the hotel. Interesting, who knew 19th century Ireland was so…. queer?

-Now, I know what you’re thinking. Are these bitches just lesbians? Would you be surprised if I told you the film never really tackles that one? If it does surprise you, go fucking watch Albert Nobbs you asshole.

-Eventually we meet Janet McTeer’s “wife,” whose either a) a lesbian or b) really understanding. She resembles a thinner Susan Boyle.

-So this other character played by Mia Wiaidontknowhowtopronouncethat, you know the one from Alice in Wonderland?, is also there. She’s like this young slut living at the hotel. And she likes this really hot guy also living in the hotel. Their first make-out? In a graveyard.

-Confused about whether she’s a lesbian, probably cause it ain’t in the script, Glen Close begins to court Alice. She takes her to a chocolate shop? Instead of describing this scene, here it is:

What the fuck? Yes that fuckery took up two whole minutes of my life.

-Perhaps my favorite moment in the film comes when Glen and Janet try on some dresses and go to the beach. Normal behavior. Even more normal? Cue music, Glen starts with a slow trot, she picks up speed, and OMG Glen dressed as a woman as a man as a woman in some fugly dress is running down the beach with some dramatic ass music. I think I blacked out from Oscar clippyness of it all! Maybe it was the vodka.

-There’s like 30 minutes more after that but the pizaz is gone. Glen dies and the fierce bitch that runs the hotel steals her money. I liked that part. She was like a slightly skinnier, Irish, old-timey Abby Lee.

In conclusion, I’d rather Meryl’s Margaret Thatcher channeled through Julia Child won over this shit. Glen, can’t wait to see what you do with the next 23 years.