Well, I have quite an interesting trip to share with you! My four buoni amici and I were forced to visit our minority friend to prove our ‘street cred’ in Baltimore. Needless to say this song was on constant replay in my head:

First, I must express my absolute shock when I discovered my minority friend rooms with Abby Lee from Lifetime’s enthralling Dance Moms! I could have sworn that fierce bitch resided in Pittsburgh. So here’s the deal, it turns out Abby Lee is a raging alcoholic and sends her creepy little dog (code name: Shadow) to spy for her! Both she and her overgrown rat are addicted to cheetos. I am equally surprised Abby Lee has not yet cast my minority friend in an ethnic dance. Perhaps she doesn’t meet the age requirements.

The “peak” of our trip with without doubt the famed Baltimore Aquarium. I was drunk when I arrived and, perhaps fueled by a famous Shirley’s Crush or three, quite excited! Oh how wrong I was faithful readers! As my buzz began to wear off, I realized I was not in an aquarium at all, only a creepy museum with many pictures of animali. In fact, aside from my four amici, my minority friend, and a curly haired ginger, the only living creatures I gazed upon were a three-legged turtle and a sloth. If you ask me neither belongs in an aquarium. I took a photograph of the stunning institution:

The nightlife: questionable. I highly suggest just drinking at your minority friend’s casa. Be careful not to make too much of a mess though or Abby Lee will get you. She rents a $500,000 condo and demands respect!

Una amica makes a mess. Watch out! Abby is coming for you and your little cheetos too!

So, in summation, if your travel goals happen to include a tour of America’s dying cities, then I do highly suggest Baltimore!