Glen Close LUVs Madonna!

Q: How was the Golden Globes?
GC: Fantastic! I hate trying to find a dress for these events because it’s not something that I am interested in but once I’m there I begin to enjoy it. Oh and I got to sit near Madonna.

Q: Did you talk to her?
GC: Yes, I have been to her tours since 1993 and met her backstage in New York during her Confession Tour. She is my favourite performer, I love her. There will never be another Madonna in my lifetime. I was also privileged to see her rehearse her Sticky and Sweet tour when I was filming Damages in Brooklyn.

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The Hunger Games

So apparently this is a cultural phenomenon? Well at first I was turned off because the title made me think of eating. Not to mention I loathed both Harry Potter and Twilight. Ewwww giovane persone fiction! But then I gazed upon the trailer for the upcoming filmic adaptation and pensato-ed to myself, “Wow, what the fuck is this?” So, naturally I read the book. You know the feeling when you have an amazing idea for an article or essay, you write it, and then you read back to yourself and you it sounds you’re in middle school…. maybe even the non-honors class? This obviously never happens to me, but I’m sure it happens to you. Anywho, that’s how the bitch who wrote this book must feel. I weep for people with great ideas and no ability to execute.

But it turns out the studio seems to have decided to not completely destroy the book’s good ideas! Observe: Crazy Promotion. It’s a faux fasion website advertizing looks from the Capital. Its creepy as hell because SPOILER ALERT: these fashionable rich people love to sit around watching poor kids die! Hey, wait a second. I’ve seen something like that before:

Skip to about 4:10 if you have ADD

Well, no one understood it 9 years ago. Kudos on needing a children’s book to help you catch up America!

Regardless, that website is some serious ZOOP level brilliant shit. Conflating the movie-going public with the vane society folk from the capital. (Hint: they’re both enjoying watching the young poor people die. lolz) should be quite stimulating. Now lets hope the movie doesn’t look like it’s directed my some sixth grader straight off the short bus. Shit, there’s no way they don’t fuck this up right?

Albert’s Nobb

Well ZOOP certainly must embrace Oscar nomination week! I first heard of Glen Close’s desperation project about a year ago and it sounded quite ridiculous. SPOILER ALERT: it is. So this bitch was nominated for 5 Oscars between 1982 and 1988, pretty impressive. She deserved them too, remember what she did to Michael Douglas’s rabit!

“I waaaant awaaaardddssss”

But for once Oscar decided to have a bit of a sense of humor and not let the bitch win even won. Glen’s career became a tale of sadness and woe! She starred in Damages! The whole time she was really plotting her return like a half-retarded transgendered phoenix with Albert Nobbs. It’s clear she was going for the “OMG woman playing a man” effect that Mr. Oscar likes so much. Now, you might be saying this whole thing doesn’t seem thaaaat desperate ZOOP. Well, as per usual, you’re wrong. She wrote the screenplay. Yup, I know, but it gets better. She wrote an original song for the film and got anal sex addicted, Pope picture ripping Sinead O’Connor to sing that shit (For more important information). WOW.

Why the shit-eating grin? This fuckery worked and Albert Nobbs received nominations for Best Actress (Glen Close), Best Supporting Actress (Janet McTeer), and Best Make-up. WARNING: I do not recommend watching this film, and I certainly do not recommend watching it sober. I have no control group experience for the second claim but I’m willingly to bet money on it anyhow. This isn’t a review per se, but rather scattered thoughts about one of the most bizzare viewing experiences of my life. My notes are as follows:

-SPOILER ALERT: Janet McTeer comes to paint some rooms at the hotel Glen is working at, and it turns out SHE’S A MAN TOO. I am really confused as to whether we’re supposed to know this. Janet McTeer looks like she has a beer belly on her chest, “I wonder why?” I ponder to myself.

-Hilarity ensues when the fierce old bitch that owns the hotel forces Janet and Glen to share a room. Its no surprise that Janet discovered Glen’s secret. What is surprising is that she discovered it because a flea attacked Glen causing her to have a seizure! This is real.

-Eventually, in hopes of making Glen feel comfortable, Janet decides to flash her boobs! DUH, how else do you make new friends?

-There appears to be a male gay couple in the hotel. Interesting, who knew 19th century Ireland was so…. queer?

-Now, I know what you’re thinking. Are these bitches just lesbians? Would you be surprised if I told you the film never really tackles that one? If it does surprise you, go fucking watch Albert Nobbs you asshole.

-Eventually we meet Janet McTeer’s “wife,” whose either a) a lesbian or b) really understanding. She resembles a thinner Susan Boyle.

-So this other character played by Mia Wiaidontknowhowtopronouncethat, you know the one from Alice in Wonderland?, is also there. She’s like this young slut living at the hotel. And she likes this really hot guy also living in the hotel. Their first make-out? In a graveyard.

-Confused about whether she’s a lesbian, probably cause it ain’t in the script, Glen Close begins to court Alice. She takes her to a chocolate shop? Instead of describing this scene, here it is:

What the fuck? Yes that fuckery took up two whole minutes of my life.

-Perhaps my favorite moment in the film comes when Glen and Janet try on some dresses and go to the beach. Normal behavior. Even more normal? Cue music, Glen starts with a slow trot, she picks up speed, and OMG Glen dressed as a woman as a man as a woman in some fugly dress is running down the beach with some dramatic ass music. I think I blacked out from Oscar clippyness of it all! Maybe it was the vodka.

-There’s like 30 minutes more after that but the pizaz is gone. Glen dies and the fierce bitch that runs the hotel steals her money. I liked that part. She was like a slightly skinnier, Irish, old-timey Abby Lee.

In conclusion, I’d rather Meryl’s Margaret Thatcher channeled through Julia Child won over this shit. Glen, can’t wait to see what you do with the next 23 years.

Oscar Didn’t Nominate These People

As I have told the HR department of many companies that refused to hire me, we all make mistakes. The Academy Awards people are no different. It is my duty to highlight some of the fierce bitches they ignored!

Ryan Gosling in Drive

I know the Academy has an old lady hard-on for George Clooney, but onwards and upwards people.

Michael Fassbender in Shame

Fass-bend-me-over and his man sword would have looked nice on the red carpet as well.

Kirsten Dunst in Melancholia

Sometimes portraying depression means smashing plates and sometimes it means delving into the human soul. One usually gets you an Oscar nomination and the other does not.

Tilda Swinton in We Need to Talk about Kevin

I can understand not nominating Goddess Tilda. How could you ever give the award to Meryl Streep with a straight face otherwise?

Charlize Theron in Young Adult

Charlize Theron’s character in Young Adult is much like yours truly. I also drink because my facial beauty makes it very difficult to relate to others. Ignoring her is more or less systematic bullying. (For more important information)

Elisabeth Olsen in Martha Marcy May Marlene

Living with her more famous, ET like sisters may have prepared Olsen to play a member of a creepy cult, but boy does she do it well!

ZOOP Reminder: I have more taste in my left pinkie’s fingernail than you do in your family’s entire ancestral tree!

The Wire (A Trip to Crab Country)

Well, I have quite an interesting trip to share with you! My four buoni amici and I were forced to visit our minority friend to prove our ‘street cred’ in Baltimore. Needless to say this song was on constant replay in my head:

First, I must express my absolute shock when I discovered my minority friend rooms with Abby Lee from Lifetime’s enthralling Dance Moms! I could have sworn that fierce bitch resided in Pittsburgh. So here’s the deal, it turns out Abby Lee is a raging alcoholic and sends her creepy little dog (code name: Shadow) to spy for her! Both she and her overgrown rat are addicted to cheetos. I am equally surprised Abby Lee has not yet cast my minority friend in an ethnic dance. Perhaps she doesn’t meet the age requirements.

The “peak” of our trip with without doubt the famed Baltimore Aquarium. I was drunk when I arrived and, perhaps fueled by a famous Shirley’s Crush or three, quite excited! Oh how wrong I was faithful readers! As my buzz began to wear off, I realized I was not in an aquarium at all, only a creepy museum with many pictures of animali. In fact, aside from my four amici, my minority friend, and a curly haired ginger, the only living creatures I gazed upon were a three-legged turtle and a sloth. If you ask me neither belongs in an aquarium. I took a photograph of the stunning institution:

The nightlife: questionable. I highly suggest just drinking at your minority friend’s casa. Be careful not to make too much of a mess though or Abby Lee will get you. She rents a $500,000 condo and demands respect!

Una amica makes a mess. Watch out! Abby is coming for you and your little cheetos too!

So, in summation, if your travel goals happen to include a tour of America’s dying cities, then I do highly suggest Baltimore!